Anyone who knows my story knows that I’ve faced some incredibly painful situations.

I lost my brother to a devastating gun incident when I was 14, which caused my father to leave my mom after turning to alcohol and losing his business.

I’ve faced serious battles in my business, including significant loss, lawsuits, and betrayals.

I lost my oldest daughter, Abbe, in a brutal murder when she was just 21. Then I almost lost my daughter, Bryn, as she descended further into drugs and mental illness in the wake of Abbe’s death. This was the result of 10 years of physical, mental, and sexual abuse both my daughters experienced at the hands of someone I had unknowingly put in their lives. This resulted in years of addiction and destructive behaviors for both of my daughters, leading to suicide attempts, rapes, and a cascade of traumas.

But that’s not the end of the story. (Check out Bryn’s testimony here.)

We have all experienced trials and suffering. Even small infractions can wear on us over time. If we don’t take care of the hurts, they will harden our hearts and form roots of bitterness.  

Hebrews 12:15 says, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Jesus gives us the answer to protect our hearts from growing bitter roots: forgiveness. As believers, it is our responsibility to forgive.

When Church Members Hurt

For those of us in ministry, leading congregations, discipling others, and managing teams, unforgiveness can prevent us from doing the work God has called us to do. Hurts that are not dealt with cause damage to our own hearts, and eventually the lives of those we love around us.

Think of the older gentleman who complains every week about the volume of worship. Or the leader who dropped the ball on planning that retreat. Then there’s the woman who sends you sermon critiques every week, and the Board Member who never seems to be on your team.

There are also those in our churches who are truly wolves in sheep’s clothing. Those who are out for their own personal gain, are closet-abusers, or those who open the door in your congregation to evil in one form or another. Even when I first started M46 Ministries, we were abandoned early on by someone who promised us the world, and then ran off with our funding.

The Freedom of Forgiveness

In my new book, More Than Gold: Reflections on Living in Glorious Freedom, I talk a lot about forgiveness. It’s not that forgiveness comes easily to me; in many ways it is a discipline. However, when I forgive others, I experience freedom in the same way I experience freedom when I receive the Lord’s forgiveness. What’s more, when I forgive others, it invites them to experience the love of God as I know it.

Forgiving doesn't mean you allow certain people back into your life. Forgiveness is a gift. Trust is earned as relationships are established. God calls us to be wise and use discernment. Forgiving someone does not mean they get a free pass to continue their hurtful behavior in or around you. You may need new boundaries to protect your time, resources, family, or other church members. Those practical steps are a part of being a good shepherd and have nothing to do with “forgiving” or “not forgiving.”

The main point is that forgiveness allows you to move on internally, and more importantly, God commands us to forgive whether we feel like it or not.

Remember, justice belongs to the Lord and His judgments are perfect.

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is Mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. —Romans 12:19

Satan wants nothing more than to keep our hearts hard and our roots bitter with unforgiveness. These are the perfect conditions for distracting us from God’s will and our ability to minister through the power of the Holy Spirit.

As the saying goes, holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the person who hurt you dies. Jesus tells us that we will receive forgiveness as we forgive others (Matthew 6:15). With so many people under our care, it is critical that we live an active lifestyle of forgiveness. This is how we will experience true, glorious freedom.

6 Steps to Forgiving Your Church Members

Are you holding on to unforgiveness? Is there someone in your congregation or on your church staff who you need to forgive?  

If you answered yes to either of these questions or someone’s face keeps popping into your mind as you read these words, I encourage you to consider the following steps to forgiveness.

1. Acknowledge your pain. If you need to, write down what happened and be honest about your emotions. Cry out to God, express your emotions, pain, and frustrations to Him.
2. Imagine being in the shoes of the person who hurt you. Remember how God forgave you and commands you to forgive others.
3. Forgive the person who hurt you and be specific. It may also help to forgive them for how they made you feel as this brings healing into our hearts. As we forgive, Jesus releases forgiveness into our own lives.
4. Release your pain to God and determine to move forward in your thoughts and life.
5. Pray for the person who hurt you as Jesus commands in Matthew 5:44. As we bless them, Jesus releases blessing into our own lives and begins to soften our hearts with His love for them.
6. Forgiveness can be a process. Continue to forgive as emotions or thoughts come up around the issue.

Facing Forgiveness

My daughter Bryn and I have forgiven my daughter’s murderers and pray for the day we will be able to share the gospel with them. But there are people in both of our lives who the Lord has led us to forgive without confronting.

Personally, I remain eternally grateful for the forgiveness I received from Bryn for my mistakes and massive failures as a father. Because of the gift she gave me through forgiveness by the power of the Holy Spirit, it has brought us closer than I could have ever imagined. Through this process, our hearts experienced incredible healing and we are now able to share our testimonies through M46 Ministries, which we co-founded in 2022.

Freedom from Forgiveness  

What would forgiveness allow you to do in your ministry? What freedom would you experience by practicing forgiveness? Is there anyone you need to ask forgiveness from? Jesus gives us the perfect example of one who forgives in the hardest of circumstances. As Christians, we are called to be like Him!

Submit yourself to the Lord, humbly asking Him to guide you in the process of forgiving those who have wronged you. He will be faithful to free you from those soul-ties and heal your heart from the inside out. You won’t regret it.

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. —Micah 6:8

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‍More Than Gold: Reflections on Living in Glorious Freedom will be available on Amazon on March 17, 2023. Pre-order on Kindle today and don’t forget to check out Bryan’s new podcast along with his daughter, Bryn, The Father Pursuit!